As with any divorce situation, fear plays a very important role in each of the individuals going through a divorce. It also can be a difficult obstacle to a peaceful resolution and mutually beneficial final agreement. During the early stages of a divorce, individuals struggle with the thought of divorce because the world they have been accustomed to is about to change. This is especially relevant when there is one person in the relationship who doesn't want to divorce.
Uncertainty and Anxiety with Divorce
Common questions that individuals frequently internalize and struggle with include;
Will they be okay financially?
Will they be able to sustain strong relationships with the kids?
Are the kids going to be taken away?
What is this all going to look like?
As you move through the divorce process, especially if you are not in a litigated process, those fears will start to reduce as you learn about the process and decisions are made. Your questions are answered and you start seeing more of what an ultimate resolution will look like.
Learn to Mitigate and Manage Fear
Choose Your Divorce Process Very Carefully
You have the option to go through a litigated divorce or go through the divorce mediation process. A litigated divorce is when lawyers get involved and each side will ultimately fight it out as to who gets what, how things are separated, etc. This also brings stress and anxiety. You may be fearful that things won't work out in your favor when everything is presented in front of the judge for a decision, and this can be a very scary situation. With mediation, your fears are calmed down knowing that you have a say in the communication and can speak directly to your spouse about needs and wants which helps minimize the "fear" of losing. The final authority and decision rests with you both.
Refrain From Any Unilateral Action
If a spouse does something without the other spouse being in agreement, this can create huge anxiety, anger and fear. If there had been communication before taking an action then it may have been easier to come to an agreement. For example, "Can we close this bank account and just split the funds?" The answer, "Sure that's fine', is a lot easier to manage than 1 individual going to the ATM and finding the account closed with money missing.
Once a unilateral action has been taken then in most cases, more unilateral actions continue. It is common for a relation or to protect one's self. If there is ever a thought about taking action whether it would be acceptable to do something without discussing wit your spouse, try to avoid this.
Focus on Short Term, Manageable Tasks
Frankly, you can't just simply make fear go away, but you can reduce it by thinking of the results that lie ahead! You should work with a professional or group of professionals who will break down the process for you. At this point you will learn what needs to be done step by step. This allows you to focus on manageable tasks rather than internalizing your thoughts for months down the road.
Try to Give Your Ex the Benefit of the Doubt
There are a TON of feelings and emotions that come with a divorce, and it is very common for individuals to go down the "what if" rabbit hole and always thinking about the worst conclusions. If your spouse has not done anything genuinely wrong or shockingly terrible, you can usually breathe easier by not assuming the worst. While you must accept that you both are going your separate ways, they are not an "evil" person. When you have this sort of grace, it will go a long way in reducing overall fears about divorce.
Always remember, that even in the litigation process, eventually issues and cases will be settled by an agreement. Finding the right professionals that you trust can help open your frame of mind in shifting to a positive manner.
About A Fair Way Mediation
A Fair Way Mediation has helped couples to mediate a successful and positive divorce for over 30 years. Our experience includes success with domestic partnerships, traditional, military, same sex, and alternative relationships. Our mediators are skilled in all the technologies of virtual mediation and will guide you through the process. Mediation also works non-criminal disputes such as landlord tenant, family, and HOA issues. We mediate issues throughout Palm Springs, Riverside County and San Diego.
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